moody

pernah tak korang jumpa kawan yang bila hari tak bagus, ikut suka dorg nak melahar korang?

well i've got a few around me. kadang rasa nak pang je.

who gives them the right to condemn people whenever they want to? oh, dorg bad mood so org kena dok jauh2 so tak kena tembak?

i mean, kau yang takde adab ke? tak reti nak jaga mood sendiri? agak2 aku boleh baca ke apa dalam kepala kau or mood kau or hati kau? aku bukan bini kau pun nak tau agak2 mood kau tak baik apetah lagi tukang baca bola kaca yang kononnya bole tau what the hell in your fucking head.

baik kau pegi duduk dalam hutan terus time kau tengah takde mood. dah tak de mood aku pulak la yang kena bawak diri? kau bodoh ke apa?

masalah la dengan orang yang fikir diri sendiri je. who do you think you are?


aku moody juga. tapi aku rasa la kalau aku moody i isolate myself from people. thats the least i could do la so aku tak melahar orang.

cinabis la kau.

otak miserable dan kes2 berbangkit

if anybody out there ever face this "lost" stage and manage to confront it and get over it, please please buzz me and teach me how to get over this damning stage.

rasa mcm useless. 

whenever i got frustrated, i got angry easily. like today. im such a bitch. nak marah2 orang mak ayah adik. i didnt really marah depan2. thats not our family punya style. mampus kena cili dgn mak kalau berani sound2. 

i just sit in the corner and mourn like a coward.

there is a lot of things i want to do in life and i couldnt figure out where to start or even worst how to start. nak kata tak cukup push, memang la nobody can push my fat body, tapinya i shud be pushing my damned ass sendiri la kan.

hari ni makan banyak macam tong dram. bongoks. sate makan nasi makan apa yang kau tak makan ha budak gemok??

ok. so negative. mesti kawan2 aku kalau baca blog ni start bash aku sebab tulis this kind of words. they will definitely try to lift up my spirit and yada yada yada not to write like this, i should this i should that, must do this must do that.

maybe im hormonal. thats another reason, so unfair to pin it on the cycle but, oh well. i choose to drown myself in it.

on other note, someone pissed me couple of months ago. talked in front of group of friends regarding my issue which is not that person's right. feels like that person was trying to sabotage me ke, malukan gua ke, gua tatau la.

i almost slap that person. aku punya tangan gigil2 tahan marah. after that event, both of us balik, i sent and email and of course the reply would be yadayadayada with apologizing stuff. and i ignored it.

yesterday the person sent email again. i cant decide whether i want to/can forgive that person.

marah berbaki rasa nak maki je lagi. yang jadi tu bukan kali pertama. i trusted that person and to me rasa di khianati.

so gua tak reply apa2. masih dalam mode mendiamkan diri. tapi sebenarnya sepanjang tak tegur tak apa gua takde efek pun. dia ada dia takda mcm takde efek. sbb marah or sebab dia tak penting, gua tak dpt decide.

ok calo dulu bai.

failure

i feel like quitting my masters. i dont have any passion to study. i really wants to get my sewing/crafting project to get going. my sister force me to tell my mother what's in my head.

damn son.

benci bila tengok kat muka mak yang kita ni a disappointment. i haven't been bringing any good news for the past couple of years. asik bawak berita mandom ja utk deme.

bila tah nak kasi mak ayah happy pun tak tau.

on other note, he left me and went to sydney. bukan for good la. konvo.

but i felt left behind.

sometimes (i lied, most of the time), i feel like bila2 masa je dia buleh angkat kaki tinggal kan gua. yela gua apa ada? ponggong besar tetek besar je ada. kepala besar tapi akai takdak.

just hope he wont forget me when he's there. that is all. (ok i lied again, i want levis jeans please. and if possible the soft sheridan bedding. thanks)

bye.

post whatever

I am still lost. Tapi better la dari setahun yang lepas.

Sebab setahun yang lepas what I want was to sleep and forget about everything. and even worst it shows on my face and my attitude was horrible towards my family.

Sekarang takde la better sangat. Tapinya, boleh conceal everything. I look like normal person, with smiles and laughter, tapi kat dalam still 70% miserable.

I still can't decide what I wanna do. I tried applying for jobs, tapi satu pun tak sangkut. Dapat 2 interview so far. Scored the kindy teacher position, but for some reasons I didnt except it. Stupid kan?

And another job, I almost got it but when it comes to referral, kinda confusing. Malas nak besarkan citer, so I just withdraw my application. Idiot but my family tak support gua accept that position pun. So, buh bye.

I'm still wondering if there is anybody out there yang phd dropout jugak. Tak jumpa lagi. aku sorang ja ka yang buduh tak abis belajar? hahaha *oii aku gelak betui2 ni tak tipu*

laugh it out, right??

PhD and I

I'm a phd dropout. Yes. Aku start with this sebab it has been so long that I want to let this out of my system.

Dammit.